*** Another repost.***
Good Morning!
It's Sunday and a beautiful day here in upstate New York.
I wish I could say the same thing about the things going inside my head: unstopping theories of what, when, why and how. They don’t ever end.
Money. Love. Dishes. Cleaning. Bills. Work. Life never seems to get away from my mind. Yet I can’t bring myself to push the covers off for the brightness of day. I am always thinking and not doing, anything about the situations around me.

I can force myself to do what I don’t like to do. However, that’s every day. The mornings are not the same anymore. The bed I wake up in still doesn't feel like my own. The person next to me is an empty body filled with anger. A body that can break through a wall, as if it were the Incredible Hulk, an anger that holds me down and binds my hands, works on my heart and forces me not to move. It feels that every morning I am fighting a monster. A monster made of sin. A sin that won’t let me out of what I have become.

I recently realized that I am not the man that I thought I was when I was with my wife. There was something about her that made me focus. She gave me hope and a purpose. I had ambition and a goal: Graduate school, get a 9-5 job in my degree field, and continue the job for a year or two. Then go on back to school to finish my degree or start on a path to seminary. That was the goal. Only half was completed and I don't know if the other half will ever be possible. Recently I have been looking at the life of Joseph and have been encouraged that this part of my life is going to be a big pit. A pit that I might have to get comfortable in, one that will not consume me.

During these months of solitude, I have had to learn how to do a lot of things on my own. Paying the bills is one of the things I still can't manage to do properly. I have a fulltime job where I am paid weekly and it feels that it’s just not enough. Yes, I have squandered a lot of my money on drinks at the bar. Now, after 8 months of drowning my sorrows, I am slowly getting out of that pit. Recently a good friend of mine challenged me not to drink any alcohol for three weeks. I believe that I am going to take her challenge to the fast. I have never honestly fasted, and challenged myself to such a degree. I have been a member of a church for some time, but never put much of it into practice except for theological study on a laymen level.

Speaking about God, It is Sunday; I feel that I should get something out there before this ball starts rolling. I believe that we do have a God who redeems our sin, who created the world and everything in it for His Glory. I am not going to use this blog to shove God in your face. But I am going to tell you how my relationship with God has changed and is continuing to change. I feel that this is the most important relationship a person can have and that out of this our monsters will be destroyed. Not because some magical beam of light is going to come and zap them but because you have the balls that I don't right now. To get up in the morning with that same motivation I had when I was with my wife. To do your job and know who you are in this world. For me I know I am a child of God. My job..... It's more than a database tech, it's more than a father, it' more than a friend. I just don't know what it is yet.

Good Morning.
Steve

Getting It Out

***The following is a repost from another Blog I started. I am changing the site name because of a typing error I seem to have overlooked. ***

Hello,

I'm twenty-nine years old and in the middle of a divorce. I never thought I would be divorced. But if you told me when I was nineteen that I would have been married by twentyone I wouldn’t of believed you then either. Now I have three kids and live in Upstate New York. Not fourty minutes outside of NYC but “Up State”. Around the Syracuse area, four hours outside NYC, and living in a tiny apartment. I have my kids a bit during the week. I have a fulltime job where I work for a database company and I have a part time business where I sell wine. Yes, I sell wine... It's fun. I enjoy it and it is something to do when I'm not behind a desk.

My kids are all girls. I like them. I don't know what I would be without them. They are so energetic and excited about life. I just wish they didn’t need to grow up and become cogs. That's what I want to teach them now. Teach them not to be a cog. It’s a hard task set for a father who is only with his kids for hours a week. Their mom is social piece of the machine that plays into the game of circles and has a dependency on friends. I have my erors too. And those will show sooner or later during my rants and ramblings.

I plan on making this mostly video and audio, to show you a real person with real emotions. Not someone who wants to help people feel better about them self who wrote a book and lives a nice fluffy life. I don't like fluffy. And I hope you don't either. Just a couple disclaimers about me: I'm not perfect, I am not a perfect speller, my thoughts do not come out so clear, and a lot more things that you will find out as you follow my blog. I plan on attaching an introductory video, once I get a camera that won’t create a video with lag and won’t drop the audio after ten seconds. It'll be just me. Talking to you.

I hope you, as the viewer, can help me make this a good thing. I want to help people and I want to get a lot of things off my back. Give me some feedback, be honest. Please don't be disrespectful or ignorant. I just ask for your love, as I start to share my life.

Thank you,
Steve.