Good Morning!
It's Sunday and a beautiful day here in upstate New York.
I wish I could say the same thing about the things going inside my head: unstopping theories of what, when, why and how. They don’t ever end.
Money. Love. Dishes. Cleaning. Bills. Work. Life never seems to get away from my mind. Yet I can’t bring myself to push the covers off for the brightness of day. I am always thinking and not doing, anything about the situations around me.
I can force myself to do what I don’t like to do. However, that’s every day. The mornings are not the same anymore. The bed I wake up in still doesn't feel like my own. The person next to me is an empty body filled with anger. A body that can break through a wall, as if it were the Incredible Hulk, an anger that holds me down and binds my hands, works on my heart and forces me not to move. It feels that every morning I am fighting a monster. A monster made of sin. A sin that won’t let me out of what I have become.
I recently realized that I am not the man that I thought I was when I was with my wife. There was something about her that made me focus. She gave me hope and a purpose. I had ambition and a goal: Graduate school, get a 9-5 job in my degree field, and continue the job for a year or two. Then go on back to school to finish my degree or start on a path to seminary. That was the goal. Only half was completed and I don't know if the other half will ever be possible. Recently I have been looking at the life of Joseph and have been encouraged that this part of my life is going to be a big pit. A pit that I might have to get comfortable in, one that will not consume me.
During these months of solitude, I have had to learn how to do a lot of things on my own. Paying the bills is one of the things I still can't manage to do properly. I have a fulltime job where I am paid weekly and it feels that it’s just not enough. Yes, I have squandered a lot of my money on drinks at the bar. Now, after 8 months of drowning my sorrows, I am slowly getting out of that pit. Recently a good friend of mine challenged me not to drink any alcohol for three weeks. I believe that I am going to take her challenge to the fast. I have never honestly fasted, and challenged myself to such a degree. I have been a member of a church for some time, but never put much of it into practice except for theological study on a laymen level.
Speaking about God, It is Sunday; I feel that I should get something out there before this ball starts rolling. I believe that we do have a God who redeems our sin, who created the world and everything in it for His Glory. I am not going to use this blog to shove God in your face. But I am going to tell you how my relationship with God has changed and is continuing to change. I feel that this is the most important relationship a person can have and that out of this our monsters will be destroyed. Not because some magical beam of light is going to come and zap them but because you have the balls that I don't right now. To get up in the morning with that same motivation I had when I was with my wife. To do your job and know who you are in this world. For me I know I am a child of God. My job..... It's more than a database tech, it's more than a father, it' more than a friend. I just don't know what it is yet.
Good Morning.
Steve
